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  • Im struggling

    I have been struggling mentally for about a week.

    Some of the reasons why I am struggling I cant talk about on this blog because of work and the impact it would potentially have on my career. However, what I will say is that there has been a lot of negativity around my work place that has impacted me. It has also made me question what I actually bring to the team.

    Financially I am struggling after I found that I was taken advantage of by people who were supposed to be supporting me.

    Personally having to deal with my abusers who drive me absolutely insane. I wish I could just disappear and leave them all behind but money is an issue.

    Physically I am struggling and now that I have a place where I can grow items now I have to deal with hayfever which is affecting my asthma. NOW, I am being told, when I am going out I need to have an FFP3 mask to reduce the risk of hayfever and again do you know how expensive they are.

    When you are having to have underware on your request for your birthday purchasing the masks I have been told to purchase is less of a priority.

    Im tired of fighting. Why do some people get everything that they want and then those of use like me who have to fight just to live. Why do I have to fight for everything – medical care – education – safety – sanity – its not fair, I am tired of being tired. I am tired of fighting – I am tired of the rollacoaster.

    I will get through it – I always do but right now I am just tired.

  • My Heart Breaks for Johnny Depp

    Dear World,

    I ask that we stand together to support Johnny Depp. Even though I have managed to cut down on how much I am exposed to the trial, I still get tagged into things for my opinion as a domestic abuse survivor. Honestly as a Domestic Abuse survivor my heart breaks every time I see a video and now Ms Heard is testifying and I want to shake some sense into her. I want her to stop lying and just be honest. I want her to just admit she was in the wrong and leave the man alone.

    We live in a free world and if you want to support the abuser that is your call. However, here are some of the reasons why you should wise up. This is not from no knowledge, this is from experience of being a domestic abuse survivor and know many people who are as well.

    1. The flowery language; All the domestic abuse survivors are matter of fact about the abuse. “Can you remember when the first time he hit you” their answer would be “yes, I had done X and it angered him so he followed me to the kitchen where he hit me repeatedly”. There wouldn’t be the start stopping of the story or adding in flourishes of “There was a JAR of cocaine”. That is someone trying to sound true but not actually.
    2. The fact that she turns her emotions on and off every time there is an “objection”. Honestly I do not know any domestic abuse survivor who really is one, who would be able to do this. It is not a performance and the solicitors are not calling cut. If you were really crying you wouldn’t stop.
    3. The stories that are being told are just so unbelievable that I would not imagine ever happening. Being on a plane full of people, being kicked in the back and no one helping you up? Not one person on that plane picked you up, separated you and Johnny? Seriously, why did you not sue them? Why did you not write an Op-Ed about them? You went after the cash cow so to speak.
    4. Finally in her own words she said that he didn’t hit her and that she hit him. It was in the recording that she said she hit him. Doesn’t matter if it is a punch, back hand, or open hand slap. No one has the right to put their hands on anyone.

    Johnny I know you will never see this. I am not that lucky and I dont know how I could get this to you but I stand with you.

    I know the sting of growing up in an abusive house hold. My mother and my father abused me. As did my brother and sister. They still do to this day. I wish I had the ability to get away from them completely.

    I know the pain, the self loathing and the hatred of yourself that comes with it. It is not fun or funny.

    I know what it is like to be physically assaulted and sexually assaulted and I know the scars that that leaves you.

    I want you to remember the fact is you are a survivor. You have survived this and you are still standing. You are still alive as well. Also I have seen an increase in men opening up on social media about abuse they have gone through. By you admitting to what you went through and what you experienced you are more then a survivor your an icon. I hope that you know how wonderful that makes you. The fact that you have stood up and said Yes, I am a Man and I am an abuse victim means the world to so many people. You are brave and strong and I hope that you find some peace.

    Stay strong Mr Depp, stay strong.

    I hope one day I get to meet you and give you a hug to show how amazing you are Mr Depp. Honestly sir, I admire you ever so more for what you are doing.

    Never forget that you are awesome and should be proud to be a survivor.

  • Pandemic – Look at the positives

    The pandemic has been hard on a number of people. Whether they have been alone through it, had caught COVID and ended up in hospital, lost someone to COVID, or had it at the beginning when no one knew what was going on.

    It is very easy to think about all the negative items we saw in the pandemic;

    1. Toilet paper hording
    2. food hording
    3. temper tantrums by adults over food limits
    4. partygate

    The list could go on. However let me tell you why I say look at the positives. To do this I need to tell you my experience.

    I got sick at the beginning of the pandemic. No tests were available so I am not allowed to say I had COVID, I can for the most part only say I had suspected COVID. I was so sick that even sitting up in bed led me to use my Ventolin inhaler. Washing up took me well over 1 hour and walking the extremely short distance to my bathroom at the time I nearly passed out. So when I said I was sick I really meant it. Luckily we realised one of the meds I was on for my back was causing me more issues. So, we stopped that medication and I started taking an up turn. Unfortunately my asthma was worse.

    I went from being stage one asthma care to stage 3 in just 10 months. In 12 months I had had double digits of antibiotics and steroids as I would get sick at the drop of a hat.

    My mobility took a down turn to the point I ended up at the falls clinic. They gave me a stark reminder that I was in trouble. I was told by them if I do not turn the weakness in my body around I would end up in a wheel chair. I fought like hell against that. It was hard though because I lived on the first floor where there was no lift. I felt trapped inside and when I went out it was very difficult. But, I did still have to battle medical professionals, social services and even benefit agencies.

    You may wonder how could I be saying that there are positives. Well, I now live in a property that only has one step. I had an occupational health assessment and I got moved into a new home pretty quickly. I now have a walker for longer journeys and I can say, I went to town yesterday with the first trip with the walker and OMG it was amazing 2 hours in town and I was sooooo happy. I have new pain medication which is helping me with pain a lot more which I am very happy with and I am eating better then I ever did. I have had support from Charities to get my mental wellbeing and physical wellbeing on the right path. I have started therapy again and am living somewhere that I can socialise with people and not have to stress so much about falls.

    Yes, had the pandemic never happened I would not be in the position I am now, however, we cant change the fact that it has happened. It is important that we as people remember that positive things can happen in the worst times and even though I am still having to fight for my disability benefits I am a lot happier then I was at the start of the pandemic.

    Remember the positive when the negative seem too much.

  • I’m tired of fighting

    I’m tired of fighting for everything I have.

    I have to fight my doctors! I have to fight for my benefits! I have to fight my family for a small slice of respect which I still don’t have! I have to fight the opposite sex who want to tell me I am worthless when all I want is someone to love me for me! I have to fight my own brain because it wants to agree with my abusive family and my abusive ex’s and say, you are worthless, you don’t deserve love, you don’t deserve happiness and you don’t deserve help.

    You hear stories all the time of someone getting something that is life changing. When is that going to happen for me? Do I have to loose everything before that can happen? Do I have to be on deaths door before someone throws me a bone?

    When will it be my turn for happiness?

    The bible says God will only give you as much as you can handle, well why is God so sadistic? Its bad enough that I have conditions that cover the full spectrum of the disability criteria with Autism (developmental) Dyslexia (Learning) Spinal Problems and Asthma (Physical) Depression and PTSD (Mental). I was also brought up in an abusive family who take pleasure it seems on keeping abusing me. I am an alcoholic and walk that line of sobriety every day.

    I am just exhausted, I am wondering how I am still carrying on at this point especially with the benefit situation. I just want to cry.

    I am tired of all of it!

  • Why?

    Why is it that I am being penalised yet again for the fact that the DWP is behind the times. They should have been able to receive video evidence especially as they forced all claimants to have a telephone assessment during the pandemic. Honestly, now they are holding up the hearing by not being digitally savvy. What a waste of tax payer money. It feels like they are bullying me into submission. It feels like they are not letting up. The only reason I have kept fighting is because of my guinea pigs. They are the reason I haven’t given up. They are the reason I have not attempted suicide. The DWP even use them as a reason to stop my benefits, however, they are the reason they are not facing a wrongful death suit and yet another coroners inquest. I am alone.

  • Abuse is not gendered

    Dear World,

    Abuse is not a gendered thing. Abusers are not just evil men they can be women too. My abusers were both men and women. You may think that a woman abusing a man is not a possibility but wake up society it is.

    The things men get accused of are also in the remit of women. Men get accused of violence with their fists, women can commit violence with fists however, they are more likely to pick up objects to throw at you or stab you. Men get accused of coercive and green lighting behaviour. Women can be coercive and greenlight a man just as much. Men get accused of using sex as a weapon, women do that to by withholding it, or forcing the man to have sex in positions that are not comfortable for them.

    Abuse is not a gender specific crime so ladies and gentlemen of the world me need to wake up. We, abuse survivors the world over need you to wake up and realise that just because someone is born XX does not mean they cant be abusers. The problem with the way you all think is that XX abusers use the ignorance of society to say XYs are the abusers when they are the victims.

    Wake up world. WAKE UP!

    To any XY person out there (born male or trans male) who has suffered abuse at the hands of a woman, please know that I am here message me and if you are ready to leave, know that I will find any and all charities in your area who will help.

    You are not alone and it is not your fault. Don’t ever let Society tell you otherwise.

    From an

    XX Domestic Abuse survivor

  • Body Shaming – from the shamed persons perspective.

    Body shaming is bad. It is especially bad when it comes to skinny people and over weight people. I am speaking about this from a personal perspective by the way. I am not talking about anyone else. This is from my own perspective.

    So, I always felt uncomfortable around people. I stopped growing at 5″3. 1 ft shorter and you could have been classed as someone with Dwarfism also known as a little person. My height alone has always been something I have been concerned about. I would see people who were 5″10 and wish I had that hight. It was not to be though 😦 I tried wearing heals to get the hight but for some reason I was never able to get into them. Possibly because of my weird feet. Maybe if I had heals that were made to measure then I would have a better time in them but no one ever makes shoes to fit me.

    As a teenager I was happy with my waist line for the most part. Yes, I did wish I was a size 10 instead of a size 12 but honestly I could never slim up further. Then as an adult and in an abusive relationship with men and gaining more and more disabilities the weight came. I went from being a size 12 – size 30. I never wanted to be this big. Someone who is not too far off of being classed as a little person who is now significantly over weight, honestly it was the worst thing in the world for me.

    I wish that I got to accept myself more but I dont.

    Then today I watched an episode of CSI Vegas (the old series) where a person was killed by an over weight person by accident. Her final line was that she would have admitted to murder to avoid being a comedians joke. I so relate. The looks that I get, the jokes that I hear and the insults I get is really demorolising.

    1. I didnt ask to be abused by my ex which led me to comfort eat
    2. I didnt ask to become disabled and be put on meds that helped me gain weight
    3. I certainly didnt ask for a pandemic and become a shielder.

    I take responsibility for the over eating however, you need to know that people who are over weight have a story behind it. Some people because of genetics are born larger. Some people go through abuse which causes self image problems and over eating or even under eating. Some people are on medication that helps them gain weight. Some people like to get big and stay big but that is their choice.

    No man or woman or non binary person has the right to body shame you. It is horrible that in 2022 over weight people are still body shamed. Here are some of the things that have been said to me by men;

    1. your not disabled, your just a fat bitch.
    2. You should take the bus home, you can get some exercise walking to the bus stop, you need it;
    3. do you really need to have that many carbs? honestly you clearly eat to much;

    Two of the above were said to me on a date and one was said when I needed to get a seat.

    If you do not know my story then you should not judge me. Who knows what would happen if you were in my situation.

  • How to make a non disabled person understand?

    This is a question that has been plaguing me for years. How do I make it understandable to non disabled people what being disabled is like. Especially with hidden disabilities. This is also going to be a tough post to write as I am explaining everything that I go through, have gone through and how I was let down.

    There have been many people who have tried to explain multiple different conditions in different ways. The Spoon Theory was brought up to explain Lupus and the Social Energy Tank for autistic people. But, as you will see there is no explanation to what all disabilities are like. This is mostly because conditions affect people in different ways.

    So let me explain from my point of view what being disabled is like for me. The dyslexia side of things affects my mental health. When I get things wrong in terms of spelling or when I read a blog post back and it sounds wrong. I was diagnosed at 16 due to failures in the school system. When I was in Primary school and Secondary school, they did not want to get me tested they just said “she is not applying herself”. The down side to this is when I entered 6th form college I did not even think I would get my retake exams. Luckily I had a 6th form college who actually put the needs of the students before cost. But, I have only really had support for it for only 1/2 of my life. Mentally it can be an absolute mind screw because you are doing so well and then you accidentally rearrange the letters in a word at work and it brings back all the self hate.

    Again only partially being diagnosed with autism because medicine failed to recognise autism in females. I was again let down by the school system who failed to identify the signs so I got no support. I grew up with serious negative self image. I couldn’t understand why having my flu shot was like being stabbed with a knife. I could not understand where my emotional nature came from including the hate of change. I could not understand why I was hyper focused on some things and not other things. Because I am also someone who comes from abuse I was only able to get a partial diagnosis. I did not want to get them involved as I did not, and I do not trust them. So, without the early years I only have a partial diagnosis. Even with a partial diagnosis my abusive family argue about my diagnosis. They don’t know that I know what they say behind my back but I do.

    So with my neurodiverse disabilities I was let down by school, the medical profession, and social services who refused to step in with my abusive family. Because of this I have a lot of negativity around my conditions. I still self hate when things happen. When I have a meltdown my confidence is knocked down dramatically. When I get some form of reaction wrong then I hate myself for getting it wrong.

    Neurodiverse people can be really sensitive to situations and events. So when you have been let down like I have you can be seriously hampered in how you develop emotionally. This lead me to be in situations as an early adult that you would never want to be in. I was so bad at reading situations and social queues that I ended up getting used. Again being a child of abuse I mistook sexual use as feelings and love and I kept repeating the same cycles. I even got told by my narcissist sister that at one point my own father had called me a slut and a prostitute. She tells me that she argued with him about this unfortunately, this is the same woman who tells my mother not to believe a word I say so, I don’t believe what she tells me.

    So on a side note as we move into the mental health disorders I want to talk about being raised in abuse. My mother is a Narcissist as is my sister. When you are raised in abuse you either become what you were raised in or you become like me. I am the person who would give you the shirt off my back if you needed it and it would not do to much damage to me. I then would not go on social media or tell others about it. My family are the opposite, they only ever help when they can use it to boost their image. This is what being raised in abuse is like. It had a serious negative impact on your mental health, your self confidence and other things. It also makes your more susceptible to attracting abusive partners. It is part of the reason I am staying single.

    Because of the child abuse, I do not think that my depression was triggered in 2007. I believe the depression has always been there because of the way I was raised. I go through periods where I just felt like I was about to be swallowed up. When I got into science fiction I started realising the way I felt was like a black hole was pulling me towards it. When these moments happened I would cry. I officially was diagnosed in 2007 after 6 people I knew were killed in action. I was not in the armed forces I just ran shops for them. My bosses were like “just get over it” and the response I had from the military was, well, uncomplimentary. I had no support and as an undiagnosed autistic person I was unable to understand how to move on. That is what depression is for me though. It is like a black hole. It is always there and on a good day it can not reach me. On a bad day it is pulling me in. I am fighting it all the time. It makes me so sleepy because I am trying to stay right. When I was first diagnosed I was an alcoholic and self harming. I refuse to allow myself to get that bad again. I can happily say that I am 2 years sober and have not self harmed since but it is hard. It is a fight every day. I am lucky. I have my pets now and even on my toughest days, they are the reason I get up every day. They are the reason I feed myself. They are the reason I bath when I can. They depend on me for their happiness and their life and I will make sure that they have the best life.

    PTSD is an even harder one to describe. This is because there is still the idea that PTSD is still a military condition but it isn’t. If someone has experienced a traumatic event then they can develop PTSD. My PTSD is from the Grenfell Tower Fire. The smells and the sights I saw that day affect me all the time. On a bad day the any emergency service sirens get my hyper vigilance going. I look like I am jumpy all over the place. When it gets bad I am unable to use an oven or cooker top as I worry about fire risks. You may say that this is not realistic but mental health does not have to make sense to everyone. It is how my brain works and its illogical I know but until I get help I am unable to bring it under control. It makes it really hard when people say that I am being irrational. It is rational to me and that does not help. When fireworks go off my brain associates the smell and the smoke that is left behind from the fireworks brings me back to that day. It also means when I hear them, even if I am asleep it wakes me up. From Oct-January 2022 I was unable to sleep properly because of fireworks.

    Now onto my physical problems. The current issues are the following;

    1. Extra disc at my L4/L5
    2. degeneration of the facet joints
    3. kyphosis of the cervical spine.

    This causes me pain every day. Honestly you can not imagine how much this is frustrating when you find that even getting out of the bed makes you want to cry. It makes it even worse when GPS brush it off with it being just your weight. I then had COVID this year and had to give up one of my pain killers and I saw my health taking in the mobility line. But no one listen to me. I could barely get up and down the stairs and no longer stand more than 3 minutes at a time. When you have no one listening to you it is demoralising and when you have to deal with a benefit system that tell you that your making it up devastates you. I regularly feel let down by the benefit system. I work and pay my taxes and yet there is a benefit that should entice people with disabilities to work and you get treated like a criminal. I want to work. I may be disabled but I want to work but I need this help to continue to work. I need to get accessibility aids as no one listens to me.

    That is what it is like to be disabled. Especially when you have hidden disabilities and that you want to work. Honestly it feels like an up hill battle and it makes you think that no one gives a damn. I have been fighting for my benefits to be returned to me for 1 year and 2 months and I still fighting. I have spent over £100 on my benefit appeal. I have GPs who don’t listen to me and honestly I just want to cry some times. This is something that many disable people have to face on a regular basis. They are let down by the medical community, the school community, the government and even the other members of the disability community.

    We do not choose disability. We do not choose the way we are born but we do want to live in this world. We accept that there are times we need help and support to do this. I even tried to raise money by a GOFUNDME and I raised no money. I tried to use a PayPal pool and I was accused of being a fraud which then meant I had to change my social media as to prove I was not a fraud I lost the anonymity on it. I have a stalker ex that I cant let know where I live. There is no one I can turn to. No charity that covers all my needs in once and no one who would ever want to help me by creating a crowdfunding. So, I am on my absolute own.

    So this is what the life of one disabled person is like. Pain, Self Hatred, and loneliness are often a daily occurrence. If this makes just one person think before they speak or act around and to a disabled person. Think before you laugh at the comedian who takes the piss out of disability. Think before you make those kind of jokes. It is pure hell being disabled especially when you are alone.

  • My no no list

    With autism, you can either be over stimulated or under stimulated by things. I wish, honestly, I was under stimulated by things, but that is not what the good Lord had in mind for me.

    My emotions seem to always be cranked up to 1,000,000 and when something happens that affects my interests then I become a blubbering wreck. This is why, I created a No No list.

    So what is a No No list?

    Don’t worry, it is not a sexual thing. I am not about to start talking BDSM. This list is a list of shows, or episodes of shows, which after only seeing once I can never watch again. To get on to the no no list you have to basically turn me into a blubbering wreck the first time I watch you.

    So, for an example: Criminal Minds – Season 5 Episode 9 – This is the episode where the Reaper finds Hayley Hotchner and Jack, Kills Hayley and Aaron kills the reaper. The first time I watched this, I cried for an hour. The tears started 1/2 way through the episode and continued! I can talk about the episode but I even tried a second time to watch and it became a blubbering wreck part two situation. Therefore this episode made it to the No No list.

    Other examples of the no no list with Criminal Minds Season 12 episode 13 – end. This is when Spencer was sent to Prison. Season 13 Episode 1 when we find out which member of the team Mr Scratch killed. These episodes affected my emotions so much that I can never watch them again.

    I think it is important as a coping tool, for people who are over stimulated to put in boundaries. It really helps to keep you sane. Having the no no list is the same as having ear defenders to cut out the ambient noises in a room that are likely to trigger you. It is the same as whether you make sure that you use pale colours so as to not trigger you.

    So look at what you need to do to keep yourself going.

  • Neurodiverse Language

    Hi all

    I wanted to write this post to explain the key language with neuro language.

    The most known about wording is Neuro Diverse. This term was created back in the 90s to explain the neuro diverse community. It can be used for a collection of neuro diverse conditions such as dyslexia, autism, dyspraxia, etc.

    Neuro Divergent is the OFFICIAL wording to describe a neuro diverse person. It was coined at the same time as Neuro Diverse/Neuro Diversity in the 90s. Many people in the community did not like being described as divergent. There are some negative connotations. However, now in 2022 some people in the neuro diverse community want to reclaim the negative image of this word.

    So, whilst Neuro Divergent is the official wording it can be considered offensive to people.

    So, if you are neurotypical be guided by the people you are talking to. I am autistic and dyslexic. On a good day you can call me neuro divergent. If I am in a bad moment, over stimulated or verging on meltdown don’t call me divergent.

    Don’t assume that everyone will want to be called it. For safety use neuro diverse unless you have been told otherwise.

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