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  • Can we stop blaming people for their salary

    I am so sick and tired of hearing the question of, “why are people who earn £25-£30K needing to use food banks”.

    There are two answers to the question;

    1. They are not paid £25K -£30K a month;
    2. The £25K – £30K is a GROSS salary meaning before Tax.

    So to put this into numbers for you, if I was on the salary I was on now, I would not be able to live on my own.

    To give you the break down, when I first started my job I was on £25,252. To work this out you need to do the following calculations;

    1. £25252/12 = £2104.33 (The gross yearly income divided by 12 for the number of months in a year).
    2. £2104.33 x 75% =£1578.24 which was the amount of the salary I took home after Income Tax, NI Tax, Pension, and Student Loan

    So my net salary was £1578.24 per month. Now this would be my expenditures;

    1. Rent – £535.00
    2. Council Tax – £98
    3. Water – £50
    4. Gas and Electric – £200
    5. Mobile Phone – £60
    6. BT – £50
    7. Sky – £88
    8. PPC – £15
    9. TV Licence £14
    10. Insurance – £75
    11. Debt repayment – £70
    12. Travel – £210
    13. Total – £1465

    That is based on my Travel costs which is £70 per travel as a disabled person who has to use cabs and travel at “anytime” tickets to make sure that if I am struggling with my disabilities.

    None of that includes food. That is all bill payments. If I lived in my old place I would not of been able to have Sky as my rent would of been £725. Even if I didn’t have sky I would be at the food banks as I would not be able to even have a months worth of food to eat 3 meals a day.

    So, can we stop asking the questions why people on 25K-30K are needing food banks. This would be an example of someone who is on my salary 6 years ago based on a small part of my budget today. This is based on my budget as a single person could you imagine if this was an unemployed single parent of two kids what their budget would look like?

    Lets start being nicer to each other instead of tearing everyone apart. If you need support look at discount sites like Wowcher, Groupon when you need to purchase things. Look at things likes Olio when you want to give food or non food items away. Join systems like Neilson Panel or shop and scan which will allow you to build up points to exchange for vouchers. Lets start honestly looking after each other and make sure we all survive.

  • Terrified for the NHS

    I have been watching the news about the NHS and I am absolutely terrified. I am terrified that the NHS will collapse and I will be screwed.

    To explain. Because of my back problems, I am on high dosage pain relief called gabapentin. That would cost me, then there is the contraceptive pill which I have been on since before I was sexually active because my periods were so bad I would be rushed to A&E because I could not hold anything down and would have to be injected with pain medication, as a teenager! Then there is my anti-depressants which if I had to stop them cold turkey would likely lead to a depressive episode so bad that I would potentially be a risk to myself. Then there is the medication that stops all of these from interacting badly and giving me a stroke. All of these, instead of paying for my pre payment prescription of £15 per month I would have to buy retail.

    This would mean the likelihood would also be that I would have to decide which ones I could risk not taking to make sure that I was doing ok. If, I were to come off the pain medication I would have to do that so slowly to avoid my body going cold turkey which would also impact my body.

    The likelihood would also be without the pain medication I would be wheelchair bound instead of using a walker because, the pain medication is what allows me to be able to go to the shops by my self as I have something to help carry the shopping and a place to sit. I would not be able to walk as much as I do now without the pain medication I am on.

    The NHS was also the reason my 14 CM lump in my left breast was detected, and removed so quickly leading me to be 100% happy that it was benign. Without that I would probably not of been able to afford the tests let alone the surgery.

    If the NHS is privatised there will be many people who want to work but, are unable to because they have no medical support available. The NHS is something that we do to support all of those whether they are rich, poor or homeless.

    If we loose the NHS then we need to increase the minimum wage to £20.00 an hour and includes all of the public services any one whose salary is less then this would have to be brought up to this immediately. The minimum wage would have to also be increased by 5% every year which would mean everyone in the country would get a pay rise. This would need to be funded by taxing the top 30% of the country. The top 5% would get taxed 45% the top 6-10% would be taxed 40%, the top 11-20% would be taxed 35%, the top 21-30% would be taxed 30%. The lowest 1-69% would be at 20%. Those who are non-doms would be taxed 45-55% depending on their income. If they are in the top 30 % they would be taxed the higher end. Those who come to the UK would also need to not be eligible for benefits until they have paid tax for 5 years. They would be ineligible for citizenship or permanent residency till they paid tax for 10 years. Suitable money would need to go into the State Pensions, and benefit systems and there would need to be a state insurance which allowed anyone born before the year the NHS was privatised to get GOOD healthcare no matter what their pre existing conditions were because it was not them who got rid of the NHS.

    Unless people ware willing to look into doing the above, then honestly privatisation of the NHS is not a possibility. Save the NHS.

  • Mattress Maintenance

    Until you have found yourself in a situation where your mattress is so broken it hurts to sleep on it, you do not realise how important the mattress is.

    I am currently in this situation. I had a mattress for a good 5-6 years and it was perfect. However, in between I had times where my bed broke so instead of getting something temporary to sleep on whilst I waited for the bed to be replaced, I put the mattress on the floor. This caused issues with the mattress and broke its intergrity.

    So, here is some things to do to make sure your mattress is looked after;

    1. Have an air bed for situations where your bed broke but the mattress is fine. This is important so your mattress doesn’t have to be on the floor leading you to situations where you have to stand on it.
    2. Never let your mattress be on the floor
    3. Always google mattress maintenance.
  • Dear John Cena

    I read an article saying that you were worried about your hair, specifically that it is thinning. I know that this is something that people in the public eye can be really panicky about but honestly, it just proves something that we all know.

    Do you know what that is?

    Its that you are an amazing person but you are just as human as the rest of us.

    I also want to point something out to you John, and that is people love you for your amazing work as a wrestler, your amazing acting, your ambassadorship with the Make a Wish Foundation and your amazing personality.

    You put your life in the public eye so people see you for you and they love you. You could probably have bright pink hair and people would love you. So, I know its easier said then done and I have not mastered this at all and could do an hour long video about everything that I hate about me, but try and remember that you are amazing and loved hair, no hair, pink hair, dreadlocks or mohawk. You are amazing.

  • 2023 has to be better

    Today is the last day of 2022 and I have been through so much this year. I lost the strong female presence in my life in the form of my nana. She passed away in February. My dad who was dealing with dementia passed away in August. I also had to deal with a lot more abuse from family members. To the point, I made the decision to change my name.

    So, I have done a hell of a lot of shit this year. I am hoping that in 2023 everything will be a lot better.

    I am finally starting to move away from my abusers and becoming the me I was supposed to be. Becoming the me their abuse and hatred, stopped me being. It has been 36 years in the making but I am there now.

    I also know that I have family, who love me. They are not my blood, but, they are my family. They are my Ohana.

    So everyone, with today being the last day of this year, enjoy new years eve and look forward to a new year.

  • I don’t want to be disabled

    Someone today told me that I was a proud disabled person and that was wrong of me.

    It is not that I am proud to be disabled. I am not proud that I was born in the wrong decade so my dyslexia was not diagnosed until 16 and autism at 31. I am not proud of the fact that I was born with an extra disc in my spine and that only became apparent when I gained weight. I am not proud of my baggage that opened me up to mental and development issues from growing up in abuse.

    No one is proud to be disabled because its not where we wanted to be in the world.

    What we are proud of is what we achieve especially in a world that is not set up to support those of us they ignored and forgot about. If I had the money I would go back to school and get some more GCSE’s and A levels that I wanted to do but never got the opportunity to do and even try and get myself a college degree without any loans whilst still working random hours so that I could stay in my job. I would then see if I was able to get a better job in my later life. But, the fact that only 1 year after my dyslexia diagnosis I passed my resits in GCSEs, 2 years I got a A in AS Sociology and after 3 years I got B in A Level Sociology, that I am damn proud of. The fact that despite the issues I have with social situations I have people who care about me and I am a go to person in my office.

    I am not proud to be disabled. I am proud to be the fighter it, plus the domestic abuse, made me.

  • WWE Divas saved me

    I am having trouble sleeping today and I think it is because of the fact that I saw this amazing and emotional video done by the WWE retelling a joy they made happen for a poorly child. It made me realise that they probably don’t know how much they save people and help people who are not on their radar. Me being one of them.

    But, to make you understand how the WWE Diva’s saved me you have to understand the reason behind it.

    I was born the middle child in a working class family. My mother a narcissist and my father a dodgy person. When my brother was born my world became dark. My mother used to beat me. We are not talking spanking when I did something wrong we are talking hitting me open hand, closed hand, with objects and even kicking. She also introduced a women into my world who’s kids would sexually abuse me. Me being 6 and them being 16/17. They gas lit me and made my family life even worse. My siblings, instead of backing me up joined in on the abuse. Petty stuff when we were small but got worse as we got older. My mother, stopped physically hurting me when I started to grow, I guess she worried that I would hit her back. I never did. But she started emotionally and psychologically abusing me. Including after I left a job due to depression and self harming, demanding I went back and left them alone or I would ruin her Christmas. As a teenager she would corner me in places like the boiler cupboard berating me telling me I am worthless, ugly and a waste of space. Demanding that I make a decision as to whether she sends me and only me into care. My dad, whilst all this was going on was having affairs and telling me that if he left my mother he would take my brother and my sister and leave me with my mother.

    All this childhood abuse, which did continue into adulthood left me ill-equipped to deal with the adult world and as a miss diagnosed autistic person I had no support in place. This led me to abusive partners, one of whom on and off stalks me and others who used sex as a weapon.

    I still to this day struggling and am finally breaking away from my abusers. I often have bouts of incredible low self esteem and hate myself. But by breaking away, and if I am able to fully break away I will finally be free.

    So, now you know some of my story, let me tell you how WWE Diva’s saved me. After the Grenfell Tower Fire I was diagnosed with PTSD. To explain I was not in the tower but I witnessed it first hand and helped at the pop up centers. That is how I ended up with PTSD.

    When I was doing my CBT therapy for it I had to think of things of strength to help me bring the emotion of the memory down and I used a number of things, for instance, a shield with the Supernatural Possession charm on it, which I drew. I also used a Character who gave me strength and that was Xena the Warrior Princess. Every time I remember the memory and started to feel triggered I would remember Xena bringing me strength.

    As the years have gone on Xena has been joined by people my head who always made me feel strong. That is where WWE diva’s come in.

    I started watching WWE when it was WWF and WCW. Most of my favourites were male wrestlers. However at the time there was also Lita and Chyna. Those two were the most kick ass Diva’s I had ever seen. Lita did so many high flying moves that I hadn’t seen and Chyna was just a strong STRONG woman. But you see the WWE starting bringing Diva wrestling more into the sport and less into the “bra and panty” style wrestling and we started to get more and more athletes that I was amazed by. The Bella twins, Ronda Rowsey, Sheyna Basler, Shotzi, Bianca Belair, The Man Becky Lynch, Bayley, Damage Control, and SOOO many more. Stephanie McMahon as well honestly showed me that women are strong. Even if she was the “Meany” the strength she had just blew me away. You all wrestle and put your bodies on the line. You show strength and courage that not everyone has and the smarts as well. You need the smarts so that you know what you are doing at all times to try and avoid significant injury. You have strength that I absolutely admire, and when I am struggling I channel that to get me through. I am obviously not going to Leg Drop anyone off of a steel cage but in my head, against the dark clouds I am and it keeps them at bay.

    So now, when I start struggling with my PTSD my mind has all the WWE Diva’s and Xena surrounding me. When I have dark days I imagine Lita moon saluting off the top rope, or Chyna clothes lining or any number of WWE Divas sending me their strength to carry on. They build my strength so that I can calm down and keep going.

    WWE Diva’s you save my life every time my days get dark and you don’t even know that you do it. So I had to write this post.

    One day, I will be able to achieve my dreams of becoming a foster mum so that I can help kids who have had a rough start to life that I did. It will take work on myself, maybe a small win on a lottery of some kind and strength but I will get there. I will never give up on life because I have the strength inside me to keep me going. That is thanks to the WWE Diva’s.

    The state I was in before this coping technique I could not guarantee that I would have been here still.

    I am never going to get to meet any of you in person. I can never afford tickets to RAW or Smackdown when you come to the UK and certainly can’t afford to come to the States, I will never get to watch pay per view shows like Wrestle mania or Survivor Series live money again. So all I have to thank you is this blog and it seems small to say thank you for saving my life (even though you didn’t know you did it) on a free blog but that’s all I have. So, thank you so much for doing what you do, which enabled me to have something to use to Save my life. By showing strength and courage and integrity you inspire people so never give up on that.

    Thank you.

  • Plans for 2023

    My plan for 2023 is to make sure that I do at least one blog a week as a minimum. This will mean doing some planning ahead of time and thinking what I want to write about. I don’t just want to be reactionary I want my blog to mean something and show what my life is really like. Maybe, even write some fictional work as well. I started telling a story but I got so side tracked with it that I pulled away and so maybe, just maybe, I will be able to get back to this and maybe my heart and my soul can get some healing from this as well.

  • Surviving Familial Abuse

    Surviving familial abuse is one of the hardest things that you have to do in the world. This is because if you survive to adulthood, you have already been let down by the schools, social services and the police by being left with your abusers. Then, as an adult you end up feeling dependant on them because that is what they made you feel to that point. When you finally in a position to move away you get let down by the system again because the only way to get practical support you have to report your abusers. However, because you are still living with your abusers you can’t afford to have people to get help from agencies who already failed you as a child.

    It becomes almost a full time job, surviving. Especially with the gas lighting and the emotional manipulation. Even when you finally break away from them by moving out with no support from agencies, and they still try to exert power over you.

    Despite all of that you have to deal with holidays alone which sucks and brings loads of horrible feelings and thoughts. Then you see so many lucky people out there who ask for help and get it, and then there are those who win life changing amounts of money to help get them away from their abusers permanently.

    This is not the person that I am. I am about as lucky as a snowman in a sauna. I play the lottery and my lucky dip numbers come up the week after I get them. I am the person who finds £10 on the floor whilst I have £20 lifted from my wallet. All I want is to survive. Is that so much to ask especially when I have been let down my entire life by the local council’s, schools, social services, police and churches. I just want to survive and live the best life I can do. Why is that so hard for people to understand.

    For me, If I won millions I would be able to build my own home that was suitable to my needs. However, realistically all I really need is £60,000. This would clear my near £30,000 in debt and give me a fresh financial start. The other £30,000 will be to help relocate me and set up so that I do not fall in the same situation I have been previously. This would allow me to get the help and support to make sure that I could get to a place where I could be a foster mum. But, this is not something that I am lucky enough to get.

    So, life for me, is just a case of survival. I just wish at some point I could do more then just survive, I wish I could live. Life for someone who is autistic, dyslexic, with depression, PTSD, spinal problems and asthmatic who has survived a life of familial abuse which led to partner abuse who just wants to live and not just survive. One day, maybe, some divine intervention will come and help me, but you know what I just got to keep surviving.

  • Poem about forced Isolation on Christmas


    Finally alone;

    No more abuse aimed at me;

    Yet, forced isolation,

    Is not as cracked up as it should be,

    The cold of the night

    The chill of the gloomy day

    Freedom was supposed to taste so sweet

    Yet to me, it feels bitter.

    So, I surround myself with work

    With pets

    With food and TV

    But nothing can fill the hole that they left in me.

    Am I broken?

    Why cant I be fixed.

    All I want is the feeling of specialness

    A day when I do not have to fight

    A day where I do more than just survive

    A day where the food is made specifically for me

    But I guess that was never meant to be.

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